Joy

I recently attended my first silent meditation retreat. I experienced a deep and overwhelming feeling of joy! It’s inspired me to share my experience with you in the hope it may help you find more joy in your life too.

Firstly, I want to acknowledge that for many people, spending a weekend in silence may not invoke joy without certain conditions already in place. In fact, the thought of spending a significant amount of time in your own head can be terrifying for many. In January and February, I wrote about acceptance and compassion and these are incredibly important qualities to cultivate if we want to be more comfortable spending time in silence.

I also want to stress the importance of being in an environment where you feel safe and comfortable. I attended this retreat with my meditation teacher, Marj who I’ve been practising with for almost 3 years - she created a very loving and accepting environment for us to move through this experience together. When I first heard about silent retreats, I planned on attending a 10 day course where I would not have known anyone. Various teachers as well as a few signs from the universe steered me in a different direction and now I understand why and am very grateful for this re-direction!

So the JOY! Where did it come from?

In our modern world we often fill down time with doing things. Many people work long hours and on top of this, they are never really done with work - messages and emails come through at all times of the day. When we are not working we are catching up with friends or taking care of family or running errands or keeping fit or pursuing hobbies or scrolling social media or binging Netflix! When we finally get to the end of the day, we can often feel a bit frazzled, exhausted and even a bit wired by all the information we’ve taken in throughout the day. There is very little integration time or time to process all that we have experienced.

In addition, we can often use busyness as a very effective tactic of avoiding how we are actually feeling. Past or present trauma or the daily wave of emotions that is a very normal part of being a human, are often ignored and not properly processed. This means that when we are confronted with silence or time to simply be, many of us find it incredibly uncomfortable being in our own heads because all this stuff we haven’t dealt with can bubble to the surface. One thing I have come to realise is that discomfort is an unavoidable part of life - you can either face it head on when it arises in the now or it will keep coming back to haunt you until you deal with it. Sometimes we don’t have the right tools or sense of safety to allow difficult memories or emotions to surface, but in the long run, whether it’s working with a therapist, talking it out with a good friend, or finding a spiritual community that allows you to feel held, we must all face the difficulties from our past and allow the emotions of our present to move through us.

Over the past 5 years, I have done a LOT of inner work! I have had to face the shame, the unworthiness and the self hatred that has lived within me since my childhood. I have worked with a therapist, I’ve had many healing conversations with friends and family, I’ve wept deeply in hundreds of savasanas and I’ve let go of many aspects of myself that I thought were just who I was.

I have also spent a lot of time in silence over these years. I live alone so do have plenty of time by myself, I got rid of my TV, I cancelled my Netflix account, I reduced the amount of time I was listening to podcasts, audiobooks or music, I stopped obsessively calling people every day, I stopped taking my phone out on walks. These things didn’t happen all at once…slowly I’ve let silence become a welcome part of my life.

I’ve also already been exposed to silence in group settings in the various yoga trainings I’ve done. In Thailand we honoured silence until after our morning practice was finished. In my yin yoga training we did a morning of silence together. Some good advice would be to ease yourself into silence gently…walk in nature with no background noise, spend an hour in your home without the TV or radio on, spend half an hour with a friend in silence - see how it feels!

So as you can see, there was a lot of preparation in setting the right conditions for joy to appear on this retreat. Here’s an account of my experience:

I arrived, with one of the other participants at around 3pm, got settled into my room and had a walk around the Friary grounds, which is home to a community of Franciscan Christians. All the other participants arrived by 6pm and we had dinner together where we were able to chat and get to know each other. Interestingly, this was the most anxiety inducing part of the experience for me! But it was a lovely group and very quickly I relaxed into the experience. The silence began after our first meditation class that evening. During this class, my mind started to worry that Dan, who was picking up my dog, Roo from my house after work had lost his key. I tried to reason, he won’t have, it’s fine. Then my mind doubted whether I had left Roo any water - what if Dan couldn’t get in and Roo was alone all weekend with no water?! The “you are a terrible person” narrative began. The mind will always find something to worry about…no need to react…just allow the thoughts to pass…

Our class finished at around 9pm and I went straight to bed. Whether it was excitement or nervousness, I’m not sure but I was wide awake at 2.30am! I decided as I was awake, I might as well spend the time meditating as that was the main reason for me wanting to come to the retreat - to deepen my meditation practice. I meditated in bed, then sat on the floor, then in some yin poses as keeping my body in one position too long is very difficult for me. The thoughts about Roo continued to arise and I continued to let them pass. At 6am I started to get ready to meet the group in the chapel for 7am silent morning prayer. I was full of energy and excited for the day ahead! In the past, going into churches or chapels would have immediately engaged my judgemental mind but I stayed open to the experience and felt a deep sense of love and generosity. The Franciscans welcome people with different spiritual or religious beliefs to join them in this space.

After morning prayer, we moved to the recreation room for morning yoga practice. Marj guided us through chanting, movement and stillness. It was bliss! After class I still had tons of energy, so I stayed a little longer, doing my own yoga practice and noticed how free my movements felt, how my breath carried me from one pose to the next, effortlessly.

At 10am we met in the lounge for our next meditation class. The classes included chanting, meditation, readings and discourse from Vedanta philosophy (a specific branch of yoga). I found it incredibly nourishing to be with a group of people who are genuinely interested in contemplating these deep and profound spiritual teachings. For me, every time I hear these teachings I feel so connected to my inner self - a part of myself that is deeper than my thinking mind knows this is Truth. It was a beautiful day, so Marj suggested we took a walk to a near by chapel to enjoy the sunshine. Wow, it was so magical! Walking together in silence, really taking in this beautiful place. Feeling the ground underneath my feet, listening to the birds, feeling the cold, crisp air and the sun on my face - savouring every moment. Daffodils, snowdrops - this is it. The awe and wonder and unimaginable beauty of life.

We had a delicious lunch together of soup and bread. It occurred to me I would have really struggled with this a few years ago. The self consciousness of eating in front of others in silence would have been unbearable. But I stayed present, I noticed the discomfort arising and passing, I listened to the sounds of spoons against bowls, chewing, swallowing, breathing - I allowed everything to be as it was and realised it’s all absolutely ok! No need to change it, just let life flow.

After lunch we had some free time. What a gift! With the sun shining, I knew I wanted to explore the grounds - Marj had shown me a sign for the secret garden and also told me there was a woodland walk somewhere. No phone, no map, just the freedom to walk and trust the way will appear. I found a bench where light was streaming in through the trees. I sat down and closed my eyes. The warmth of the sun, nothing was missing in this moment. I felt completely whole. I opened my eyes…there were bamboo leaves in front of me and I saw the beauty of each leaf - each one a unique shape and pattern, I could see the tiny participles making up the whole. Everything made sense, this universe, this planet, this body…not separate but connected, one. I walked through the gardens and found some tree stumps in a circle. I jumped playfully from one to the next, connecting with my inner child - the joy that is there always, but that so often we are disconnected from. I continued to walk around the grounds exploring the beauty of nature all around me. In the silence, so much noise! The birds singing, the wind blowing in the trees, my own foot steps, the rustling of my clothes, the deepening of my breath. I found a woodland - the hermits wood! Muddy footpaths guided the way, a little bridge over a small stream. Eventually opening out into a beautiful orchard. The openness of the space, the bright blue sky, the green grass, the sun beaming down. The utter joy of it all…realising heaven is not some far away land, it’s right here right now in this moment! I walked around the edge of the orchard, sharing the space with a few content sheep. I got to the top of the field and could see for miles…the rolling hills of Dorset, to take it all in through my eyes as if it was the first time I had really seen clearly. Then I saw some baby lambs…my eyes welled up - they were learning how to walk, following their mother around, feeding, jumping for joy! The beauty of life, of living, of being. My heart felt wide open as I embraced this moment. The joy of being alive. Time passed and I knew I should probably starting heading back to the house - tea and cake was being served at 4pm and I didn’t want to miss that!

After tea and cake, we cosied up in the lounge for our next meditation class. After the pure joy of the day, I felt very sleepy and may have even drifted off in one of the meditations. My concentration was wearing, fighting the tiredness was making me feel a bit unsettled and I felt the usual pull of the mind wanting to rush onto the next thing. Maybe I’ve had enough now, I thought about getting home, seeing Roo, planning classes, jobs that I could be doing. I sat with it, reminding myself this is just the nature of the mind, to stay as best as I can with the irritation, the tiredness, the restlessness.

We had dinner together and then another meditation class after dinner. Marj gave us the opportunity to write down any questions we may have about the teachings, our experiences or our meditation. I sat with this question through dinner but nothing came up because in the state of being I had experienced throughout the day, all questions, worries, concerns, or wonderings disappeared - all questions seemed to be answered. The evening session came with continued tiredness and difficulty focusing (I had been up since 2.30am!) This was where the practice of compassion towards myself kicked in and I just did my best. We went to bed around 9.30pm and I slept amazingly well waking up just before 6am on Sunday.

I woke up on Sunday morning feeling amazing. Alert, well rested and immensely grateful. This thing I’ve talked about doing for a long time had finally manifested as a reality and it was more than I could have ever hoped for. We met at 7am for morning yoga and I wanted to make the most of the remaining hours in this special place, so I stayed for an extra hour to practice. As I moved through familiar poses, I noticed how much better my focus and balance was - I was able to move from one balance to another without resting in between. I realised that it’s not strength that is usually lacking from my practice but focus.

We met at 10am for our final meditation session and discussion. The silence was broken and my overwhelming feeling was that I didn’t want to speak! And I didn’t want to leave this magical place! It’s hard to put into words a feeling that can only really be experienced, but Stephen Cope comes close with the words: “an unutterable sense of well-being”. This is what I experienced in the silence, in the stillness, in allowing life to unfold just as it is.

This is at the core of our being. It’s here for each and every one of us to realise. The joy, the peace, the unconditional love - you could call it consciousness, source or God. I realised that enlightenment or awakening isn’t something in our imagination - it’s something that we have all experienced in fleeting moments; perhaps when lost in the beauty of a sunset or the profound sense of enough-ness experienced sometimes in savasana, being held lovingly, experiencing the magic of music or the breathtaking awe and wonder in nature. It is also understanding that pain, grief, loss and death are just as much part of this human experience as joy, peace and love. We can’t have one without the other and from a deeper perspective they are all the same - it’s the same consciousness observing the joy and the pain and it’s this deeper part of ourself that is the steady ground from which we experience all of life.

P.S Roo was absolutely fine, having had a wonderful weekend with his favourite friends xx